Thursday, October 30, 2014

Tales of Horror


Offered in the spirit of Halloween:

The doctor’s office was cold, so cold that I wished I’d worn a sweater vest or maybe a scarf. The paper covering the examination table crumpled further as I nervously shifted position. The doctor entered the room and closed the door.

“Well Mr. Smith, you’re in pretty good shape for a man your age. But you've got an elevated PSA level, and I’m going to have to examine you further.”

“PSA?” I asked, as my heart started beating with fear. “What’s that?”

“Prostate-Specific Antigen. Your score could indicate prostate cancer.”

A drop of nervous sweat dripped down the side of my face. In a voice half-hopeful, half-whimpering, I asked “So you’re going to do an X-ray or an MRI or something?”

The doctor’s laugh could only be described as satanic. “HAH HAH HAH, no. This will be more of a… digital test. HAH HAH HAH.”

Terror surged through me. All I managed to say was “But, but, but…”

“Exactly!” said the doctor through a malevolent smile, as the rubber glove snapped into place on his hand.


Why in the hell...


...did I just find out about this today?

Oh I see, it's a soccer team. That's why.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014



I think maybe you should get a hobby or something. I mean, some other hobby than your current one.

Friday, October 24, 2014

"The light from sensible will not reach Roca Labs for several generations."

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Breaking News

This just in: Chinese archaeologists do not quite understand how marijuana works. Details at 11:00.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Monday, October 13, 2014

Honk Kong protests

I swear, the protesters' greatest weapon is CY Leung's daughter. Every time people get tired and figure it's time to go back to work/school, she manages to rile everyone up again.

Though for the record, I am strongly in favor of Leung Chai-yan suing the Daily Mail for libel. English defamation law is bullshit, but so is the Daily Mail.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Dear Carrefour

Tensions between your forces and the Armies of Chaon have been dangerously high of late, but I have good news. Last year's unpleasantness, referred to as the "Guacamole in a jar incident", can now be safely put behind us. Today, your organization has more than redeemed itself with the "Hollandaise sauce in the tetra pack box transaction".

I look forward to mutually beneficial, long-term cooperation in the future.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Hey Kanye and Kim

Don't listen to the haters talking bad about your clothes. The world's Dungeons & Dragons aficionados are all nodding our heads in approval at your dashing apparel.

Now go bust a Magic Missile in some miscreant's ass.