Wednesday, April 17, 2013
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Friday, April 12, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Gather around children, and I will tell you a tale. It is a tragic tale, one of hubris, and struggle, and defeat of a hero. Listen carefully and take heed, for I will speak of the day that Chaon was defeated in the kitchen.
Yes, that Chaon. The one who tamed the legendary ironskin chuck roast with a combination of heat, pressure, and arcane herbs. The Chaon who broke the vile and inedible vegetarian bacon on the dark stone of his culinary will, making it part of a delicious risotto. The Chaon who mercilessly mocked Jamie Oliver, not for his incomprehensible English, but for his overcooking of all fish entrées.
What is that, child? You want to know what kind of vile thing could overcome such a champion? I will tell you, but you must be strong. It is not our way to cry out in fear, or horror. Do you all remember when I told you about… sorghum liquor? I see that you do. Stop whimpering, we are safe in this place. The wicked Formosan alchemists of Black Bridge keep, who hate everything that tastes good, contrived to act against all that is right in the world by mixing sorghum liquor into a sausage. To compound the evil, they then mixed in a potent sweetener, probably corn-syrup based. Let it not be said that Chaon did not know what he faced, when handed the box by a well meaning mother-in-law.
Chaon contemplated for two days, and then took action. Some say that he believed that the essence of the sickly sweet sorghum liquor sausage was still meat, and thus amenable to spices used to season meat. Others say that he was confident that by slicing on the bias, and searing in a pan with the correct oils, that the taste bud ruining flavors could be overcome, if not entirely expelled. We know for sure that Chaon summoned garlic, cayenne, and cumin, and also many traditional peppers. It is not known if he applied sage.
What we do know is that Chaon failed. The sweetness was not sufficiently diminished. The diabolical blend preserved its taste of putrefaction and broken dreams. And it is believed that it was this day that shattered Chaon’s confidence in himself, as well as his faith in preserved meat products.
Sunday, April 07, 2013
Wednesday, April 03, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Chaon, in an interview released Thursday, referred to Irish people by using the derogatory term “filthy drunken riff-raff.”
“My family had a ranch. We used to hire 50 or 60 of those filthy drunken riff-raff and — to pick rutabagas,” Chaon said in the interview. “You know, it takes two people to pick the same rutabaga now. It’s all done by machine.”
In a statement released late Thursday, Chaon said that during the interview, “I used a term that was commonly used during my days growing up in central Florida. I know that this term is not used in the same way nowadays and I meant no disrespect.”
In his statement, Chaon said Irish workers “play an important role in America’s workforce, and earlier in the said interview, I discussed the compassion and understanding I have for these workers and the hurdles they face in obtaining citizenship and sobriety. America must once and for all tackle the issue of Irish immigration reform.”
Monday, March 25, 2013
Cook the five-grain rice in chicken stock
Stir in ½ tablespoon of butter
Add the mixed vegetables and marrow-fat peas
Slice the chorizo and slowly stir it in
Grab a handful of mozzarella cheese and throw it in the pot
Yell this: “God damn it all to FUCK! Why is the cheese MOLDY? Son of a BITCH!”
Use a spoon to try to remove all the moldy and now melted cheese from the pot, but fail
Use jalapeno jack cheese instead, hoping that the jalapeno flavor will mask the mozzarella mold tang that has been assimilated throughout the dish
Serve with wheat bread and kiwi juice. Eat in stony silence.